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Posted by on May 9, 2012 in Inspirational, Leadership | 4 comments

How to Recover after Being a Jerk

In the throws of conflict we all have cringe-worthy stories of when our actions and words were inappropriate or over-the-top. You know the moment when you say or do something and you immediately think, “CRAP!”

At work recovering from those moments of being a jerk is crucial to your success. What’s more important is team effectiveness that enables success. How do you recover and repair the damage?

Here’s a great place to start.

Look in the mirror

Regardless of who’s in the right, it takes two to have a conflict. If you’re involved, look at how you contributed to the problem. Then own it. You’ll need to be clear on that for the follow-up conversation. Because letting it go without a follow-up conversation damages team morale and dynamics. Don’t contribute to destructive behavior.

“I” NOT “You”

Once you’ve owned your part, it’s time to talk with the other person. Soften the conversation by using “I” and NOT “You.” For example, “The other day I was thick-headed and didn’t listen to your side of the story. I’d like to talk further about it so we can move forward.”

Using “You” is like pointing an accusatory finger at the other person. That’s not going to help clean up the mess. Your goal is to talk about what happened so you can move forward.

Face Time

Whatever you do, have the conversation face-to-face. If that’s not physically possible, then do it over the phone or Skype. Email or text is completely inappropriate. Such communication shifts responsibility to the other person. That’s not what you’re going for here. It also shows insincerity and insecurity.

Focus on results

If you simply can’t stand the person that’s okay. But you need to work with him. So, focus on the business result you two need to create together and work out a plan on how to reach those goals. Nobody ever said you have to like everyone you work with. But you are paid to achieve results and work alongside those necessary to make that happen.

Strong leaders are less worried about who will make the first move after conflict. Such leaders take to heart the importance of relationships and acting in a manner to maintain their integrity. There is no time to wait for the other person to make the move.

At work you’ve got to work with all types of personalities. The artful leader can work effectively with the crusty to the delightful. The effective leader can also say, “I’m sorry.”

 

Original post was published on Shawn’s previous blog: Achieved Strategies.

 

Graphic by Shawn Murphy

Shawn Murphy (100 Posts)

Change Leader | Speaker | Writer Owner and principal consultant at Achieved Strategies. Co-founder of Switch and Shift. Passionately explores the space where business & humanity intersect. Promoter of workplace optimism. Believes work can be a source of joy. Top ranked on Huffington Post and HR Examiner.


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  • http://www.frymonkeys.com/blog Alan Kay

    Thanks for raising this point. Since it’s impossible that we can ever be perfect it’s inevitable that during periods conflict our unconscious jerk-like behavior can come to the fore and it’s not always clear to us. A while ago I had the unpleasant job of shutting down a project which due to the actions of one individual had gone off the rails. This person was in hyper-control mode and wasn’t prepared to budge. I choose a specific approach to taking action on closure in a group setting and was careful to be firm and clear with the individual. This person didn’t respond well and took things to a personal level which in turn pushed me beyond being firm. Later, I realized that in dealing with them I had reciprocated by being a jerk – I went into my own control mode.

    Hence, your four points are critical. I would suggest two additional points. Reconciliation is critical and we need to be clear on a) what we have learned from the realization, b) what it is we are committing to in changing things in the future.

    • http://www.switchandshift.com Shawn Murphy

      Nice additions, Alan. Both are important. The latter is likely to help the former. Then again, rarely do we follow a nice logical trajectory in our relationships. =)

      I always appreciate your perspective, Alan. I was a jerk this week. I had to apologize and clean up the little mess I made. The beauty in all this is when we realize we are people and we’ll crash into one another. Forgiveness comes a little easier in those moments.

  • http://www.jackdurish.com Jack Durish

    I wish that I were smart enough to take your advice. Unfortunately, I am a jerk. My only redeeming feature is that I run away before responding physically. As an alternative, I take up a tennis racket and beat the crap out of a pillow. It makes a very satisfying sound.

    • http://www.switchandshift.com Shawn Murphy

      Jack, I don’t know if I should laugh or offer up an alternative. I think I’ll go the safe route and say I like the tennis racket idea. I bet it’s a good release. ;)